Trials and Tribulations
In the weeks that follow, remarkable changes are reported
among the 400 families of Medjugorje. Each day they open their homes to
pilgrims who flock to the village from all over the world. Each evening
they gather on the hill to pray while the visionaries commune with the
Blessed Mother. Medjugorje seems transformed, a living experiment in Faith
and Charity. Naturally, the authorities are alarmed
Were proud to be the guardians of Yugoslav
We battle crimes against the state with great aplomb and surety.
But though we have procedures aimed at evry sort of dissident
Theres nothing in the manual on how to handle this event!
We infiltrate and operate with maximum acuity,
We always get our man (unless we get a small gratuity).
And this is our analysis, though premature and cursory:
It seems weve been assigned to be the keepers of a nursery!
And oh, for the good old glory days
Of Russian counter-plays
And Yankee plots that we could countermand.
Oh, for a nice assassination,
Perhaps a small invasion
By an enemy that we can understand.
We meet the visionaries, our intention to interrogate
To get them to recant or else to prove that they prevaricate.
But when we play the bully and we say well put each one away,
The children wont cooperate they cry and then they run away!
We make a map and outline evry possible trajectory,
We chase the children through the fields and chase em through the
We call for reinforcements and we tighten the perimeter
And still the children get away its really very sinister!
And oh, for a murderer to shake
Or a gang of thieves to break
With shouts and threats and blows about the head.
Oh, we are baffled by this voodoo;
So theres only one thing to do.
This is womens work! Well send them in our stead
Memorandum to Directors of the Federal Committee
Overseeing Social Workers in Western Herzgovina:
We went to Medjugorje
Assuming, a priori, a
Disturbing mass euphoria
Could be cured with tact and skill.
We found our adversaries there,
The so-called friends of Marys there.
We took the visionaries where
They could not climb the hill.
See Appendix A for a log of destinations where we went that day.
See Appendix B for receipts of all expenses listed in Appendix C.
With choclate, then we baited them!
With games we captivated them
As we re-educated them,
All according to our plan.
We quoted Marx and quoted Mao
So cleverly we noted how
Wed surely be promoted now!
And then their prayers began
Zdravo Marijo, milosti puna,
Gospodin s tobom
Suddenly a ball of light
Brighter than a thousand suns
Became a blinding wall of light
Surrounding us, astounding us
As the ground beneath us swayed!
We thought it was the End of the World!
Who knew that civil service work
Could ever be such nervous work?
From now on dont reserve us work
To wit: thats it, we quit!
Signed: Yours very truly,
Bewildered and Afraid.
We are modern men and women
How we fear what we cant figure out!
When we are sorely vexed, for explanations
We put our faith in science and we shout:
Is there a doctor in the house?
I am a well-renowned M.D.
I only trust what I can see
I stare and I ogle and I poke and prod
And Ive seen a lot, but Ive never seen a god.
Im always careful and correct.
With evry body I dissect
I put all the pieces in a great, big bowl
And I count em twice, but I never find the soul.
On these mystics, did you run an EKG?
I could find no sign of abnormality.
Are they lying? Did they take a polygraph?
Yes, of course, but all my questions made them
Are they high then? Did you check for drink or
Nothing showed up underneath my microscope. Nothing!
I have an awe-inspiring brain.
When theres a thing I cant explain
I hem and I cavil and I look askance
Then I call the press and I do a little dance.
Now heres the doctors dance!
These children pose a problem of theology
Ill-suited to the test of scientific methodology.
I cant commit, then, to commit them or acquit them.
My results are inconclusive and on that much we can all agree.
His results are inconclusive, so what are we to
When we have failed in all attempts at treachery
Then we accept defeat and simply claim it was a victory.
And to that end our figures show a fortunate anomaly:
The pilgrims bring in dollars that are boosting the economy!
What matters is the miracle is good for the economy!
And still the congregation grows
And grows and grows and grows!
Thats what happened on the hill!